Helix Folt

…a somewhat angular - and, it must be confessed, socially maladroit - gentleman going by the name of Helix Folt. Mr Folt, an orphan of indeterminate provenance, despite his maturity clung most loyally to one Amelia De'Ath, the nanny of his childhood, to the extent that he had apparently spent his entire life in that respectable spinster’s studio apartment in Bath Buildings, making his bed upon her sofa.

Mr Helix Folt, when he eventually arrived, was not in an observant mood. Choosing a cheap little chair, the nastiness and dirtiness of which were perhaps not quite as intolerable as the nastiness and dirtiness of the two or three other cheap little chairs in that nasty dirty little room, he gaped rather more vacantly than was his wont at the nasty, cheap little magazine on the nasty, dirty little…

As far as Mr Helix Folt was concerned, the ship of state resembled nothing so much as a somewhat leaky tub, seaworthy enough although requiring fairly thoroughgoing patching of the hull as well as manful exertion at the pump. He found himself also partial to a second peculiar notion, namely that the foremost duty of a compassionate nature might perhaps reside in the exercise of one’s capacity, such as it…

That evening, upon returning to Bath Buildings, Mr Helix Folt did not tarry longer in the House of De'Ath than was necessary to undertake, before the bathroom mirror, a brief but meticulous tillage, weeding, and proprietary anointment of his side parting, upon the conclusion of which ablution, and having vey thoroughly washed his hands with an astringent and bracing carbolic soap, that gentleman vey promptly betook himself once more out…

…These coming to a halt outside De’Ath’s door, a key scrabbles in the lock of that aperture, and Mr Helix Folt announces his return by means of

…struck her that there was a singular exception to this otherwise incontrovertible rule, in the excellent person of Mr Helix Folt. Mrs Gamina Dročerpyatova-Buggery, despite being by no means a martyr to introspection, nonetheless confessed herself perplexed by her own feelings towards this gentleman. So he is not rich, he is not strong man with big muscle, not brave, lose fight with mousey. So. On the other hand he is…

…naugahyde, which is both cheap and nasty, into the cheap and nasty vestibule, returning a moment later with Mr Helix Folt.

…business upon which Dr Mark Wankstain was this day visiting Mr Crass Cheseham concerned the allegations raised by Mr Helix Folt regarding electoral malpractice on the part of Mr Wankstain’s agent Mr Vercingetorix Bumhole. Quite what Mr Wankstain personally made of the complaint of that eponymous gentleman, indeed quite what Mr Wankstain made of anything at all, was utterly mysterious, given the notorious disposition of that ejaculatory gentleman to prove,…

…be one of the seedy, malodorous communists of her husband’s acquaintance, but instead the comparatively soigné person of Mr Helix Folt.

Mr Helix Folt, while professing himself by no means unwilling to undertake almost any service on behalf of such a fine fellow and fast friend as Mr Roger Buggery, is moved to evince, vey politely it must be said, certain reservations on this one score.

Mr Helix Folt, wishing to avoid getting into another tizzy, and resolving therefore to keep to his hearthside while the present disorders persist, finds his resolution sorely tested by the necessity which it puts him under of keeping company with Nanny during one of her illocutionary spesms. For De’Ath speaks today in an even more than usually peevish, grating tone, dropping into the pressure-cooker silence isolated phrases, contextless snatches of…

Night was falling as Mr Helix Folt, approaching the purlieus of Montpelier, found that, far from abating, the clamour was beginning once more to build, as that posh slum’s several watering holes flung open their doors once more, and the multitudinous imbibers of the parish needed no further invitation, but straightways betook themselves within. Upon passing under the railway tunnel defining the border between Eastville and St Werburghs, and discovering…