That evening, upon returning to Bath Buildings, Mr Helix Folt did not tarry longer in the House of De'Ath than was necessary to undertake, before the bathroom mirror, a brief but meticulous tillage, weeding, and proprietary anointment of his side parting, upon the conclusion of which ablution, and having vey thoroughly washed his hands with an astringent and bracing carbolic soap, that gentleman vey promptly betook himself once more out of doors; although he did not in the course of this particular perambulation put any great distance between himself and his abode, but so condescended as to dignify with his presence the nearest public house, which happened to be the Old Disgrace, and which occupied the side of a cul-de-sac fifty or sixty yards along the pavement to the right of Bath Buildings. —
Bath Buildings, The Old Disgrace, Helix Folt
The lout behind the bar jerked towards his breast the wooden Goad of Aristophanes, whereupon the plumber’s piping underneath urinated a brown jet into the glass held at an angle by the lout identical. Mr Helix Folt for a short space admired this operation - pouring a measure like a dancer, if a little giddy. Then, evidently finding it much to his satisfaction, he turned about and surveyed the rest of the bar, which was unoccupied but for the table next to the fireplace. —
The wooden Goad of Aristophanes
This particular table had been booked for the Quarterly Proceedings of the Montpelier & Stokes Croft Society of Octopi, and in attendance at the Proceedings was a trio of gentlemen. The most visually striking of the trio, in virtue of the sparse grey remnant of a Mohican clinging to his balding dome, and equally on account of his penchant for the exhibition of his armpits, was Mince. Mince was tall and, although he had evidently been athletic in his youth, was well into his seventh decade now, and was beginning to stoop. An instagram poet of unsurpassedly shameful, greasy, skin-crawling sentimentality and itenite wretchedness, he had for some years enjoyed a residency at the Ghastly Hipster Opposite Turbo Island as the House Octopus, and was jealous of this privilege - at times querulously so. —
Mince, Montpelier & Stokes Croft Society of Octopi
Now Mince had an hairy companion, and Mince had eke a companion that was smooth. The hairy companion of Mince was Mr Luvvertory to whom the present chronicle has already effected a partial introduction, and the smooth companion whom Mince eke had was named Coaley Sleaze. Messrs Luvvertory and Coaley Sleaze both affected South Asian dress, of which the salwar kameez of Mr Luvvertory who was Mince’s hairy companion was vey dirty and smelt vey strongly of the dirty old man which Mr Luvvertory ineluctably was both phenomenally and eke metaphysically, whereas the salwar kameez of Mr Coaley Sleaze who was the smooth companion of Mince was clean enough and none too pungent from a purely objective point of view, but was nevertheless comparably nauseating for reasons which nobody could quite put their finger on. —
Sleaze, Mr Luvvertory
“Smowk?” said he proffering in yellow fingers a tobacco pouch, “oy can ownly apologise for moy earlier beastliness. Oy have been somewhat owverwhilmed lightly. The name is Bumhole. Vercingetorix Bumhole. Yow may call moy Vercingetorix, althow oy will alsow answer to Bumhole.” —
Mr Vercingetorix Bumhole
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