In the course of their deliberations over the judging and sentencing of the case before them, Mr Justice Shallow and Mr Justice Silent quite properly bracketed away each in his own private epoché those susceptibilities and peccadilloes of which each privately confessed himself in the possession regarding the charms of Ms. Dunya Taggartova, before settling down to what was, the absorption of considerable amounts of fortifying spirits notwithstanding, a sober and serious assessment of the merits and deficiencies of the case against the defendant. Thus it came about that, following the intermission of several hours of juridical carousal, Mr Helix Folt found himself released from custody but intellectually and culturally proscribed, or cancelled as the commissars called it. —
Mr Justice Silent, Ms. Dunya Taggartova, Mr Justice Shallow, epoché, Helix Folt
It bears remarking that Mr Folt’s perplexity was not at all shared by the exalted company dignifying with their presence one weekday lunchtime the Petites Bottes in Chandos Road. There was stirred, in the several breasts of the several toga-clad gentlemen accouched in the Roman mode around the low table laden with the fruits and viandes of that establishment’s taster menu, a certain warmth of feeling at the notion of a young lady who, uniting in her person easiness on the observing eye with the possession of a substantial fortune, should exercise such tact and delicacy as to throw a discreet veil over her own identity before undergoing the necessary but distasteful business of exerting herself on behalf of her paramour under the polluting gaze of the great unwashed. —
Chandos Road, Petites Bottes, toga
Among these optimates, pride of place was enjoyed by that estimable pair of garter snakes Sir Gerald Inhali and Sir Ezra Tertiary-Syphilis. —
Sir Gerald Inhali, Sir Ezra Tertiary-Syphilis
Across the table from the two knights reclined, or rather, perhaps, relapsed, the potentate who was Dives the Billionaire. This gentleman, who was rumoured to be a Tajik or a Turkoman, but who may equally have been West African Armenian or Lebanese, was in the UK on a flying visit to his dermatologist, this being necessitated by the recurrent ecdysis to which he was a martyr. He now evinced a modicum of mystification. —
Dives the billionaire
Besides, the saurian postmodern mind of Dr Mark Wankstain dwelled on quite another metter. In partic’lar, he was cruising comfortably enough through the process of reconciling himself to the prospect of Mr Helix Folt taking the lady off his hands. True, gaining any sort of leverage over her wealth, any influence in the way it was spent - any triangulation, if you will - would be an interesting project. And then there were her physical charms. Dr Mark Wankstain’s tastes dwelt to a remarkable extent upon flexible exotic ladies of a certain vintage, of the union of which qualities Ms. Gamina Dročerpyatova was the vey paradigm. Nevertheless there was, as always with such fundamentally nasty things, a bottom line. To any thrusting thirty-something pseud, she would be an encumbrance. The alarmingly frank yoga would wear thin, the exhibitionism would ripen into over-exposure, the relentless vulgarity would no longer be endearing, the vey oestrogen would make him cringe. And he would not be able to take her anywhere. She would undoubtedly cuckold him, and make him a laughing stock with the Sir Geralds and the Sir Ezras among whom he had by the sweat of his own machinations more or less established himself. All in all, the ongoing triangulation of the Wankstain existence was not best served by the continuance of the Dročerpyatova imbroglio. —
Gamina Dročerpyatova-Buggery
Of course, forgoing matrimony with La Dročerpyatova meant forgoing also the prospect of using the Dročerpyatova wealth to repair the depredations of Mr Crass Cheseham. Some other remedy must be put in place as a matter of urgency if the wrinklies were not to find themselves being put out of house and home. However, the Mangotsfield Dauphin was nothing if not proactive, and had already exerted himself in the metter, by setting up an array - or perhaps a phalanx - of corporate entities, into which was now being siphoned the Council stipend which until vey recently had had the tendency of mostly trickling into the trough of Mr Crass Cheseham. —
Mr Crass Cheseham
It so happened that the latter gentleman had within the last few hours experienced a rebuff on the part of the cashier service in his local supermarket and, with the aid of the ur-syllogistic cerebrations in which facility he was not excessively lacking, had vey quickly deduced the nature of the measures undertaken by the poncemaking supremo. Mr Crass Cheseham was vey much disinclined to acquiesce in the new arrangement, at least without the consultation which he felt was his due as an affected party, and had expended a greater part of that morning in seeking an audience with Dr Mark Wankstain. Finding no trace of him at either the table set aside for hipsters in Bar Wanque or the reclaimed ecclesiastical pew set aside for funding application scribes in the Ghastly Hipster opposite Turbo Island, he had turned his attention to the City Centre, but had drawn a blank in the Toreau et Ourse in Millennium Square, and another one in Beige on the Triangle. —
Millennium Square, Ghastly Hipster opposite Turbo Island, Toreau et Ourse, Bar Wanque, Beige on the Triangle
All of which was, it is perhaps needless to say, vey much to the discomfort of Dr Mark Wankstain, who vey soon after went directly home, and directly found Miss Minerva Ledwitch sunning herself in the back garden. —
Herod
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