Night was falling as Mr Helix Folt, approaching the purlieus of Montpelier, found that, far from abating, the clamour was beginning once more to build, as that posh slum’s several watering holes flung open their doors once more, and the multitudinous imbibers of the parish needed no further invitation, but straightways betook themselves within. Upon passing under the railway tunnel defining the border between Eastville and St Werburghs, and discovering the direct way to be increasingly blocked by great presses of his fellow hominids, our eponymous naif elected to detour via Mina Road and the footpaths leading through the allotments up the hillside to Ashley Down. Unfortunately, this course proved to be somewhat ill-advised, the lane being vey narrow, and Mr Helix Folt encountered several obstacles to his progress, in the form of persons in various states of intoxication and undress engaging in various decidedly primal activities. Moreover, upon emerging from the footpath onto Ashley Down, he found his way blocked by yet more crowds of the mindlessly drunken and drugged, and was forced to make his way via Hurlingham Road. —
Ashley Down, Montpelier, Helix Folt
Eventually, however, by dint of descending Cromwell Road and turning left under the Arches into Cheltenham Road, Mr Helix Folt was able to regain the sanctity of Bath Buildings. Here he found Ms. Amelia De’Ath and Mr Rex Anusol, both clad somewhat mystifyingly in adult diapers and surrounded by a great quantity of polythene, which Mr Rex Anusol was in the process of stapling to the floor and the furniture in the lounge. Sensing their resentment of the interruption to whatever unspecified but no doubt entirely innocent hobby or pastime they were engaged in, he did not tarry overlong at his hearth, but vey soon betook himself once more out of doors. —
Polythene, Amelia De’Ath, Mr Rex Anusol
The result of the publicans acting upon the prognostications just described was that, notwithstanding a slight thinning out in the numbers clogging the streets, the civil authorities found themselves compelled to acknowledge the increasing likelihood of serious disturbance, and the epslootly unpalatable prospect of the disorder breaking its banks, and of decent folk in adjacent more respectable cantonments - Snandrews and Cotham and Bishopston and the like - being exposed to the habitually disgusting behaviour of the denizens of Montpelier. Towards one o’clock in the morning, therefore, Superintendent Oldspot made a series of calls to variously official and quasi-official telephone numbers in Clifton and North Somerset and South Gloucestershire, the upshot of which was the vey prompt deployment of forces from the Newport Constabulary and from several other Constabularies of the Principality, these having until then been held in reserve against just such an eventuality. —
Superintendent Oldspot
Officer Penis did not take kindly to this intervention, but immediately burst into tears. —
Officer Penis
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