Initially and for some weeks, my suspicions had fallen on Pheidippides, for I surmised that the insularity of this cove was a mask for weirdness, and that weirdness went hand-in-glove with the most disgusting depravity. Moreover, Pheidippides had every opportunity for such malodorous infractions, being granted that unspoken dispensation to spend those endless hours running and running and running round and round and round the mezzanine, which furthermore was accessed via the stairwell, this being of course where the Phantom Crapper most frequently perpetrated his or her foul affronts. —
Pheidippides, Mezzanine
Withal, upon engaging my introspective faculty and looking more deeply into my soul, I found myself forced to acknowledge that my own conscience was troubled by the blitheness with which I allowed mere circumstance to taint with my prejudices the simulacrum within me of Pheidippides. For surely there was logical space, figuratively speaking the room to wield Ockam’s Razor, to allow as I ought for the likelihood that Pheidippides was indeed single mindedly training for a Marathon, and only single mindedly training for a Marathon, and never sneaking down into the stairwell in order to … er … squat and squeeze out a juicy banger. —
Ockam’s Razor
(b) There was substantial overlap between the categories:- e.g. Peggy was both a member of staff and a major shareholder. Indeed, in my own case I was a member whilst simultaneously enjoying a beneficial interest in Pex ‘n’ Quads via the investing trajectory of my Cerebellum Towers pension fund. Equally, Ageing Hippus the yoga god was a paying member, whilst also undertaking those ghastly alarmingly frank yoga posing classes with the ladies who lunched. Analogous considerations applied to Colloid (staff member with beneficial interests via shareholdings of nematodes and nominee functions) as well as, I rather thought, John Virgil Haruspex (staff member, possibly shareholder in view of opaquely discerned relationship to Peggy), and no doubt any number of other comparably unpleasant people; and —
Peggy, Colloid, John Virgil
*Any single one of the security apparatchiks, Kurt, Kurt, Kurt, Kurt, Troy, Troy, Kurt-Troy, Troy-Kurt, Kurt, Kurt, Troy, Troy, Kurt and Jon. This was actually quite likely, since it would go some way towards explaining why the security cameras never provided adequate footage of any of the offences, in seeking to account for which I was always fobbed off by John Virgil Haruspex, in his function as the boss of all these Kurts and Troys & etc, with the lame excuse that each such incident never constituted anything more nor less than the application of the doctrine of aliter assecurationem subnervat – followed, inevitably and unnervingly, by an offer to show me the contents of his bucket. —
Security cameras
*The treatment therapists Svetlana from Tashkent, Supavadi of Mueang Chiang Rai, and Kylie the Southmead Jezebel. It went somewhat against the grain to suppose the first two named to be capable of such gross insults against the established order, for they appeared to me to be fastidious and cleanly individuals. Regarding Kylie the Southmead Jezebel, I retained an open mind, for this maiden availed herself of what to all appearances was an eternal sickie, as a consequence of which I had yet to have the pleasure of her acquaintance. Nevertheless, I felt it safe to assume that being of the indigenous tribe of the White British, she must inevitably be fat and slovenly, and perfectly capable of acts of the most sublimely excremental indignity. —
Kylie the Southmead Jezebel
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